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The Eighth Annual Valentine’s Day Poems

  • June 22, 2011 at 8:24 am

Don’t be afraid to love them.

Dear Hipster Valentine o’ Mine. your t-shirts aren’t funny. And I hate your blog. I’m dumping your emo ass, but I’m keeping the dog.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my favorite virgin. I’d show you how much I love you, but I don’t feel like getting married.

I’m writing this to tell you that I love you. I’m writing this to tell you that I’ll always be true. I’m writing this to let you know that no matter what happens, my heart is yours. I’m writing this to let you know that I will never give up on us. I’m writing this to let you know that you dropped a sock just now. From the laundry basket? Yeah, right there, by your foot. where am I writing this? oh. Didn’t you know? I’m writing this from inside of your house. please don’t call the cops. I love you.

Just because I’m your uncle Doesn’t mean I cannot love you The right way.

If forever means forever – it covers lifetimes. If forever covers lifetimes – It covers all the years of my life. If forever covers all the years of my life – Then it covers 18 to life. If forever means forever – Then I don’t understand why you broke up with me just because I’m doing a little time. you best get your priorities in order because one day I won’t be in this cell And you’re gonna be sorry. Forever.

Pier One. Design Within Reach Target … oh, sorry. Baby Gap Calendar Haven … I was just listing off all the places… Bennigan’s The Yarn Barn Something called an outlet mall. …I’d never have to go to… Lush Sephora Color me Mine …if I didn’t love you so goddamn much.

I’m supposed to drink at least 64 ounces of water a day to keep me hydrated. please tell me How much of you I need to absorb so I can stop feeling so thirsty? How much of you can I ingest so I stop feeling so hungry? How much of you can I touch so I can stop feeling so so so incomplete?

Happy Valentine’s Day, Mom. It’s weird I sent you this, right? Yeah, I thought it’d be weird. but first I thought it’d be funny, because you have that picture of me from when I was three and I’m in the bubble bath holding a bar of soap in one hand and in the other — for some reason — a hot dog weiner? I guess it was only funny in concept, recreating the picture and sending it to you now that I’m forty-three. It’s too bad you couldn’t just see it in my head when I came up with it, because it was friggin’ hilarious. regardless, I’m no longer drinking tequila.

Take me home, Valentine. I need to push myself into you, crawl into your skin, and be as close to one as we can be. I want to pile up on top of each other like premature hamster babies, furless and albino, mashed into the corner of our plastic cage, covered in afterbirth and cedar shavings, blind and trembling, hoping we aren’t eaten by our mother before dawn. Valentine, did you just puke on me?

You. Are. Hot. No, I mean your forehead. Seriously, like you’re running a fever. what? well, no, not if you’re sick. I have work tomorrow. I can’t miss a day and I will not catch whatever it is you have. what? I am sure that’s not true. If anything, that would give me even more of your germs. what? Yes, I know dinner was expensive. what? You’re fixing to be sleeping on the porch, mister. what? Yeah, you’d better blame what you just said on a fever hallucination. And pray you’ve got malaria.

You know me. To the core. you whisper sweet, sweet perfection in my ear and make my body tremble, twitch and groove. sometimes when you get started I moan in delight. even when you’re being random you still know how to make me smile. you are 6,678 wonderful reasons to press Play every morning. oh, 40 gig iPod. you are bliss.

I once spent 24 hours in a row planning how I was going to spend the rest of my life thinking of only you.

Spicy curry, extra hot. half a bottle of cab. Five cups of coffee, before lunchtime. four miles on the pavement, just after dawn. A good friend’s teasing, causing a fierce blush. A cup of miso soup and sushi for lunch. These are the simple pleasures in life. They are the daily components of Pamela Ribon. They are what makes life worth living. so fuck you, Rosacea. I will destroy you with antibiotics (both oral and topical) until I can rise up and drink Merlot with abandon once again. It will be worth the raging yeast infection if I can just have my fucking nonfat latte without feeling guilty you goddam piece of shit stupid-ass fake princess-y disease. what the hell? I got diagnosed with something called “being Pam.” I’m surprised blogging isn’t one of the triggers, for Christ’s sake. It used to be a good thing to have a healthy glow. now my dermatologist wants me to go goth or my face will fall apart by the time I’m forty? Fuck you, Rosacea. My delicate skin will not keep me from tikka marsala. Because I don’t want to live in a world that doesn’t let me drink or eat things that are hot. I don’t want to live in that cold, cold world, the one filled with yogurt. (Oh, and happy valentine’s day.)

text:pleasedon’tbreakmyheart.send.

It’s not the first moment that he sees me. The first moment, his eyes grow wide and the corners of his mouth reach toward his ears and he looks like there was a way he momentarily had forgotten just how much he loves me. this is when his arms go up. He might call me “Baby.” He’s happy. I’m not talking about this moment. I’m talking about the next one. Seconds later. When suddenly, without any provocation from me, everything shifts. his brow furrows, his arms come crashing down along with the smile and he’ll reach out a hand – or sometimes just his thumb – and it’ll touch some part of my face something i can’t see on my forehead or cheek or chin or neck and he’ll push/wipe/dab/smear at it and say, “What’s wrong with your ___?” And I’m flawed. He saw it. He needed me to know it. this is how he touches his funny valentine.

I give up. If you won’t let me love you, please then, just let me pretend you love me And I’m ignoring you because I find your love to be pathetic. that way I can leave you alone And still find myself with some dignity. Unless you want to make out right now. in which case, that’s cool.

Did you hear something? It sounded like it came from the living room. I don’t know if it was one of the cats. Hold on, let me feel around. One. Two. Three. Shit. It wasn’t one of the cats. We should go see if someone’s broken into the house. By “we” I mean “you.” me? but I’m so small and Useless. okay, how about we rock/paper/scissors for it? okay, ready? Are we going one-two-three throw or one-two-throw on three? Ow. Don’t poke me, I can’t see anything and we’ve only got ten seconds before the killer comes in here, flips on the light and shoots us both. One-two-three-rock. I had rock! you did not have paper. Fine, let me feel it. that is not your hand. well, whatever it is, it’s not doing a very good job of being paper. Aw, hell. this is a fun way to die.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the stalkers of pamie.com. you may know my deepest secrets, but I know all y’all’s IP addresses. And I know when you search the archives for “panties pamie wet wet.” I will try to take all of the searches as compliments. even “when did pamie get dumped by her last boyfriend?” so be good to yourselves on this weird holiday when we’re supposed to tell each other that we love each other, even if we don’t know each other very well. You’re supposed to be mine, and I’m supposed to be yours. that seems a little possessive, doesn’t it? well, not as possessive as that one person who searched my archives for “pamie cage tie her down.” but you get what I mean.

When I say I love you I don’t mean until you don’t believe me anymore. When I say I need you I don’t mean until you run out of money. When I say I want you I don’t mean until you think I’m letting go. My heart is chained to yours like a feral hippie latched to the last oak tree in Berkeley.

Want more? It’s like going through the pamie.com Wayback Machine: [Last Year's Poems] [Year Six] [Year Five] [Year Four] [Year Three] [Year Two] [How It All Began]

The Eighth Annual Valentine’s Day Poems

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7 Comments on The Eighth Annual Valentine’s Day Poems

COME CLEAN – VALENTINE’S DAY FROM HELL!!!

  • March 7, 2011 at 11:13 pm

CLICK TO TWEET THIS VID!!! clicktotweet.com When Chuck forgets Valentine’s day, he’s left with few options. Help him navigate through to a happy ending! Starring Steve Green www.youtube.com Ilana Cohen www.youtube.com Jason Horton www.youtube.com Shay Carl www.youtube.com KassemG www.youtube.com Kyle Mooney www.youtube.com Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Bree Esrig www.youtube.com Written by Steve Greene www.youtube.com Directed by Michael Gallagher www.youtube.com www.twitter.com apps.facebook.com Produced by Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Edited By Geoff Yano: www.youtube.com Director of Photography Layne Pavoggi www.youtube.com 1st AC Jon Na www.youtube.com Sound by Eric Thompson twitter.com Production Coordinator Aaron Zaragoza www.youtube.com Production Assistant Amy Brown www.ifindthishumorous.blogspot…

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    I Hate Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]I Hate Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]The creative team behind My Big Fat Greek Wedding reunites for an all-new love story with a big fat twist! Nia Vardalos stars as Genevieve, an independent single woman who owns a Brooklyn flower shop along with a strict philosophy on dating: every relationship should last no more than 5 dates so that she never gets dumped or hurt. But when she meets restaurateur-next-door and all-around nice guy Greg (John Corbett of Sex And The City), she still insists that their delicious courtship tick towards its inevitable end. What do you do when the one rule you never break becomes the one thing that could break your heart? Judah Friedlander (30 Rock), Zoe Kazan (Revolutionary Road) and Rachel Dratch (Saturday Night Live) co-star in this hilarious romantic comedy with no strings attached, written and directed by Nia Vardalos.

    Care to leave a comment?

    YOU FORGOT – VALENTINE’S DAY FROM HELL!!!

    • March 2, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    CLICK TO TWEET THIS VID!!! clicktotweet.com When Chuck forgets Valentine’s day, he’s left with few options. Help him navigate through to a happy ending! Starring Steve Green www.youtube.com Ilana Cohen www.youtube.com Jason Horton www.youtube.com Shay Carl www.youtube.com KassemG www.youtube.com Kyle Mooney www.youtube.com Bree Esrig www.youtube.com and Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Written by Steve Greene www.youtube.com Directed by Michael Gallagher www.youtube.com www.twitter.com apps.facebook.com Produced by Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Edit and FX by Geoff Yano youtube.com/oogafilms Director of Photography Layne Pavoggi www.youtube.com 1st AC Jon Na www.youtube.com Sound by Eric Thompson twitter.com Production Coordinator Aaron Zaragoza www.youtube.com Production Assistant Amy Brown www.ifindthishumorous.blogspot…

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      I Hate Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]I Hate Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]The creative team behind My Big Fat Greek Wedding reunites for an all-new love story with a big fat twist! Nia Vardalos stars as Genevieve, an independent single woman who owns a Brooklyn flower shop along with a strict philosophy on dating: every relationship should last no more than 5 dates so that she never gets dumped or hurt. But when she meets restaurateur-next-door and all-around nice guy Greg (John Corbett of Sex And The City), she still insists that their delicious courtship tick towards its inevitable end. What do you do when the one rule you never break becomes the one thing that could break your heart? Judah Friedlander (30 Rock), Zoe Kazan (Revolutionary Road) and Rachel Dratch (Saturday Night Live) co-star in this hilarious romantic comedy with no strings attached, written and directed by Nia Vardalos.

      Care to leave a comment?

      KEEP LYING – VALENTINE’S DAY FROM HELL!!!

      • February 25, 2011 at 7:41 pm

      CLICK TO TWEET!!! clicktotweet.com When Chuck forgets Valentine’s day, he’s left with few options. Help him navigate through to a happy ending! Starring Steve Green www.youtube.com Ilana Cohen www.youtube.com Jason Horton www.youtube.com Shay Carl www.youtube.com KassemG www.youtube.com Kyle Mooney www.youtube.com Bree Esrig www.youtube.com Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Written by Steve Greene www.youtube.com Directed by Michael Gallagher www.youtube.com www.twitter.com apps.facebook.com Produced by Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Edit and FX by Geoff Yano youtube.com/oogafilms Director of Photography Layne Pavoggi www.youtube.com 1st AC Jon Na www.youtube.com Sound by Eric Thompson twitter.com Production Coordinator Aaron Zaragoza www.youtube.com Production Assistant Amy Brown www.ifindthishumorous.blogspot… Shot on the Panasonic AG-AF100

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        I Hate Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]I Hate Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]The creative team behind My Big Fat Greek Wedding reunites for an all-new love story with a big fat twist! Nia Vardalos stars as Genevieve, an independent single woman who owns a Brooklyn flower shop along with a strict philosophy on dating: every relationship should last no more than 5 dates so that she never gets dumped or hurt. But when she meets restaurateur-next-door and all-around nice guy Greg (John Corbett of Sex And The City), she still insists that their delicious courtship tick towards its inevitable end. What do you do when the one rule you never break becomes the one thing that could break your heart? Judah Friedlander (30 Rock), Zoe Kazan (Revolutionary Road) and Rachel Dratch (Saturday Night Live) co-star in this hilarious romantic comedy with no strings attached, written and directed by Nia Vardalos.

        1 Comment

        LIE – VALENTINE’S DAY FROM HELL!!!

        • February 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm

        CLICK TO TWEET!!! clicktotweet.com When Chuck forgets Valentine’s day, he’s left with few options. Help him navigate through to a happy ending! Starring Steve Green www.youtube.com Ilana Cohen www.youtube.com Jason Horton www.youtube.com Shay Carl www.youtube.com KassemG www.youtube.com Kyle Mooney www.youtube.com Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Bree Esrig www.youtube.com Written by Steve Greene www.youtube.com Directed by Michael Gallagher www.youtube.com www.twitter.com apps.facebook.com Produced by Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Edit and FX by Geoff Yano www.youtube.com Director of Photography Layne Pavoggi www.youtube.com 1st AC Jon Na www.youtube.com Sound by Eric Thompson twitter.com Production Coordinator Aaron Zaragoza www.youtube.com Production Assistant Amy Brown www.ifindthishumorous.blogspot…

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          The St. Valentine's Day MassacreThe St. Valentine's Day Massacre

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          VALENTINE’S DAY FROM HELL!!!

          • February 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm

          CLICK TO TWEET!!! clicktotweet.com When Chuck forgets Valentine’s day, he’s left with few options. Help him navigate through to a happy ending! Starring Steve Green www.youtube.com Ilana Cohen www.youtube.com Jason Horton www.youtube.com Shay Carl www.youtube.com KassemG www.youtube.com Kyle Mooney www.youtube.com Bree Esrig www.youtube.com Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Written by Steve Greene www.youtube.com Directed by Michael Gallagher www.youtube.com www.twitter.com apps.facebook.com Produced by Mickey Meyer twitter.com/Mickey_Meyer Edit and FX by Geoff Yano youtube.com/oogafilms Director of Photography Layne Pavoggi www.youtube.com 1st AC Jon Na www.youtube.com Sound by Eric Thompson twitter.com Production Coordinator Aaron Zaragoza www.youtube.com Production Assistant Amy Brown www.ifindthishumorous.blogspot… Shot on the Panasonic AG-AF100

          Related Blogs

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            Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]The starriest cast you may ever see sparkles in a hilarious and heartwarming romcom from the director of Pretty Woman and The Princess Diaries. Stories crisscross, collide and boomerang in this look at a day in the life of love. There's a proposal. Flowers that didn't get sent. A big fat secret that's finally told. The "I'll show up and surprise him" that ended up surprising her. Fights, kisses, wrong turns, right moves and more. Whether new to or through with love, you'll fall in love with this 19-star, funny-side-up celebration of romance.

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            SNOWMEN HUNTERS Ep 20: Valentine’s Day Massacre

            • January 19, 2010 at 4:17 am

            Has Sherman finally found true love at last? Find out in this week’s special Valentine’s Day episode, when VIRAL’s Sunny Gault comes to hunt snowmen with Sherman and Everett. Things quickly go from bad to worse to crazy when she goes CASINO with a baseball bat. Happy Valentine’s Day! Now that you’ve witnessed our barking insanity, we invite you to come on over to www.Zanzibar19.com to sign up for our newsletter, check out our other episodes, or swear at our mothers in the forums. If you’ve …

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            Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]Valentine's Day [Blu-ray]The starriest cast you may ever see sparkles in a hilarious and heartwarming romcom from the director of Pretty Woman and The Princess Diaries. Stories crisscross, collide and boomerang in this look at a day in the life of love. There's a proposal. Flowers that didn't get sent. A big fat secret that's finally told. The "I'll show up and surprise him" that ended up surprising her. Fights, kisses, wrong turns, right moves and more. Whether new to or through with love, you'll fall in love with this 19-star, funny-side-up celebration of romance.

            7 Comments on SNOWMEN HUNTERS Ep 20: Valentine’s Day Massacre