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Ladies, permission for fishing is a great Father’s Day gift that keeps on giving

  • June 22, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Bass-boat.jpgDads, if you want to make waves on a lake instead of at home, try these suggestions. (The Birmingham News/Joe Songer)

Today is Father’s Day. this is the one day of the year that Dad can pretty much do whatever he enjoys, like fishing. It is also the day that he may request great gifts like fishing lures that his wife finds unsuitable especially when she has already picked out a button-down shirt that is a beautiful sea foam color.

And by the way, there’s no need to point out that the only sea foam you have ever seen is a nasty, frothy brown color. You will only show your ignorance.

Dads are good to go today. they don’t need my support if they choose to go fishing. But let’s talk about the other 364 days of the year.

As a man who has spent the past 27 years of his life trying to convince a wife that he needs to go fishing, I have learned a lot. Foremost, you can only be granted permission if she is happy. There are far more ways to make her unhappy than happy.

There are many pitfalls to avoid. Here are a few suggestions:

• When your wife and her friends are talking about their dream man and they agree its Dr. McDreamy on “Grey’s Anatomy,” don’t chime in and say your dream girl is someone your wife works with.

• If you are watching the movie “Honeymoon in Vegas” starring Nicholas Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker, there is a scene where the talented Ms. Parker is lying in a motel bed covered from the waist down. do not point out that even her back is good looking.

• When you celebrate your 25th wedding anniversary and your wife tells you that she wants a gift that goes from zero to 140 in about six seconds, she’s talking about a car, not bathroom scales.

• do not give you’re a wife a flashlight for Valentine’s Day even if it is a good one, rechargeable, what she needs for her car at night and it costs $89.95.

• When she tries to impress her important bosses by having them and their spouses over for a backyard cookout, do not come out of the house wearing a T-shirt that reads: “Fat people are harder to kidnap.”

OK, you say, being an idiot is never productive. what can I do to convince her that I need to go fishing?

One effective way, if she is a religious woman, is to play the church card. Keep in mind that her idea for you Saturday is to plant diverse succulents from Home Depot in the yard, not outwit a cunning bass.

Pick up a Bible, read awhile and then say, “Huh. I never realized that.”

You say: “It says here that eight of Jesus’ 12 disciples were fishermen. It doesn’t say anything about any of them being gardeners.”

Should that not work, keep reading. be sure to point out that when it finally mentions a bush in the Bible, God set it afire.

That may work for awhile but there is only one sure-fire trick that guarantees you permission to fish any time you want. It works every time.

Roll over in the bed at 3 a.m. and awaken your wife. Simply ask: “Kissin’ or fishing?” My wife always says the same thing. “Don’t forget your sunscreen.”

Mike Bolton’s outdoors column appears on Sundays in the Birmingham News. Email him at mbolton@bhamnews.com.

Ladies, permission for fishing is a great Father’s Day gift that keeps on giving

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